At a 60th high school reunion, most elderly alumni spend their time bragging about their retirement portfolios or their grandchildren. But Gertrude had a far more strategic life script to share.
While catching up over champagne, her old classmate asked about her romantic history. “So, Gertrude, how many times have you actually been walked down the aisle?”
“Four times, happily,” Gertrude replied smoothly.
“Four?!” her friend gasped. “Good grief, what kind of men did you even marry?”
Gertrude smiled, ticking them off on her fingers. “Well, my first husband was a wealthy Wall Street banker. My second was a dashing Broadway actor. My third was a deeply spiritual rabbi, and my current husband is a licensed undertaker.”
The friend stared at her, completely baffled by the bizarre lineup. “That is an incredibly strange variety of professions. Why on earth did you pick them in that order?”
Gertrude took a elegant sip of her drink and whispered:
“It’s a classic formula, darling: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”
Round 2: Making the Devil Foot the Bill
Divine intervention is wonderful, but getting your worst enemy to pay for it is an absolute masterclass.
Every single morning, a deeply spiritual old lady would step out onto her front porch, throw her arms up to the heavens, and shout at the top of her lungs, “Praise the Lord!”
This daily routine drove her new next-door neighbor, a cynical atheist, completely out of his mind. Every day, he would storm onto his own porch immediately after her and scream back, “There is no God!” But the old lady simply ignored him and kept right on praising.
Then, a massive winter blizzard struck the town. Trapped inside with an empty pantry and no money left, the old lady stepped into the freezing air and prayed loudly: “Lord, I’m completely out of food and it’s freezing. Please help me!”
The very next morning, she opened her front door to find three overflowing bags of fresh groceries sitting on her mat. Overjoyed, she raised her hands to the sky and yelled, “Praise the Lord!”
Right on cue, the atheist jumped out from behind the bushes with a smug, triumphant grin. “Haha! Gotcha! There is no Lord—I bought those groceries for you!”
Without missing a single beat, the old lady looked right back up to the sky and cheered:
“Praise the Lord! You not only sent me dinner, but You made the Devil pay for it!”
