A Little Johnny walks into a general store, walks up to the owner and asks for a job:
The owner says.
“you think you’d make a good salesman?”
The Little Johnny says. “I don’t know. I think so.”
Owner says. “I’ll tell you what. Next customer comes in, you watch me. If you think you can do what I do, you have a job!”
A few minutes later a customer comes in.
The owner of the store says.
“Can I help you?”
The customer says. “Yes. I’d like to buy a bag of grass seed.”
“No problem.” Says the owner as he reaches for a bag of grass seed. “Do you think you might want a lawnmower with that?”
“Lawnmower?” Says the customer.
“Yeah.” Says the owner. “You plant that grass seed, you’re gonna have a lot of grass to cut. You might want to get a lawnmower too.”
The customer thinks it’s a great idea and agrees.
The owner sells him the grass seed and the lawnmower and the customer leaves.
The owner turns to the Little Johnny and says.
“See that? That’s selling! The guy wanted some grass seed and I sold him a lawnmower too! You think you can do that?”
The Little Johnny says. “Yeah, he can do that.”
So the owner says.
“Great. Next customer comes in is yours. I’ll just stand here quietly and watch. We’ll see how you do.”
A few minutes pass by and another customer comes in.
The Little Johnny says. “Can I help you?”
The customer says. “Yes. I’d like to buy a box of Tampax for my wife.”
“No problem.” Says the Little Johnny as he reaches for the box of Tampax.
“Do you think you might want a lawnmower with that?”
“Lawnmower?” Says the customer.
“Yeah.” Says the Little Johnny.
“You’re not going to be doing anything else for the next 7 days, you might as well cut the grass!”
A Rude Customer Speaks Their Mind And Pays The Price
Customer: I need you to go out to your gas cabinet and fetch me a new one of these.
Me: Sure, let me just clean up a little here.
Customer: Do you think I have time for that?! Do you know who I am? I have other places to be!
Me: All right, then.
(I shuffle all the pieces and tubes onto the counter, hoping no one will brush them off and step on them. I run out to the cabinet, open the lock, grab a new can, and head back inside. Right as I walk into the store, I get insanely painful cramps in my back, I manage to scoot over to the customer and set the can down, obviously in pain, but I smile and shrug it off to my coworkers.)
Customer: You teens are so useless these days! All you do is stare at your phones and your computers! Look at you, you can’t even carry a can of gas! You’re all useless! Now hurry up, for f*** sake! I’m going to a very important job interview over at [local entrepreneur, with the owner’s name as a company name]!
(The other customers have been startled at his behavior by now, but at the mentioning of said company, many of them snicker.)
Me: You know what? My neck was nearly broken when I was born. I have worked at [Gas Station] for three years, and never have I had a more rude and pretentious customer than you. I want you to calm down so we can finish this transaction. You’re startling the other customers.
Customer: Does it look like I give a s***!?
Me: That’s it.
(I pick up the phone and dial a number. My boss is looking at me with approval.)
Me: *on the phone* Hey, Dad, I want you to know there’s a man in his 40s, drives a green Honda CRV, who said he’s heading over for an interview with you today. He has been a real pain in the butt, and if you hire him, I’m not giving you grandchildren.
(The customer’s face goes pale. He looks at me, the other customers who are now laughing at him, and scurries out the door, leaving both his old and the new can behind. My dad didn’t hire him, either.)
Clever Little Girl Explains Childbirth in Front of the Entire Class
I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord,” Erica said.
She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement as Erica continues.
“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, “Oh, oh, oh!”‘
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans as she continues.
“She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!”‘
Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.
“My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my mother to lay down in bed like this.”
Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
“And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!”
The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!
“Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another Erica comes along.
A Sweet Old Lady Is Making Lunch For Her Husband.
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day…
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years.
His favourite: a sandwich on Italian bread, made with turkey, American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo.
The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite.
His wife asks the same thing she always asks,
“How’s the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response,
“It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit.
So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread.
She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety.
So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing.
He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks
“How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunchtime is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides she’s going to make him the most unique sandwich he’s ever had.
She prepares her Italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it.
She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings.
She thought “If this doesn’t get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich.
All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had.
He chuckled a bit and says
“Finally! Something original in this sub!”
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A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman goes to a bank in New York before going on vacation and asks for a loan of $5,000.
The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”
The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”
The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”
The woman is absolutely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers mock her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it for two weeks in your underground car park.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”
The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
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Lawyer Tried To Outsmart Cop Him Up In The Court Room – Officer Gave The Best Comeback EVER
Question: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
Answer: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person who matching with the offender’s description, running several blocks away.”
Question: “Officer — who provided this description for you?”
Answer: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Question: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
Answer: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Question: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes to prepare your daily tasks?”
Answer: “Yes sir, we do!”
Question: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Question: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
Answer: “Yes sir.”
Question: “Now why is it, officer? If you trust your fellow officers with your life, you feel it is necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
Answer: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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